You do not have to sit outside in the dark. If, however, you want to look at the stars, you will find that the darkness is necessary. But the stars neither require nor demand it.
– Annie Dillard
As we draw close to the calendar date for the shortest day of the year, there is something about the darkness that is creeping in on me.
Creeping is the operative word.
Darkness is similar to fog for me; it envelopes me and as irrational as it is – I feel cornered and claustrophobic – I want “out”. Just like I can hardly wait for these short days to begin to lengthen and become brighter, I also want to push back the metaphorical fog and see clearly what is in front of me. However, as Annie Dillard points out, I might miss the most amazing sights or opportunities by refusing to sit awhile in what feels temporarily uncomfortable.
So it was this week, as I settled into some work that was kicking up a sense of resistance. The more I tried to “get out” of it or get it done, the stronger this sense of losing perspective seemed to loom. It took some deep breaths, introspective journalling and a couple solid conversations to realize an old gremlin was re-surfacing. Once I recognized the personal pattern of “What-if-it’s-not-good-enough?” and “What-if-I-look stupid?” – the game was up. Surprisingly, this was not the Zen-like “Aha” you might imagine. To my own surprise it made me mad. The energy and vibrations in my body went from zero to sixty in about a half-second and the message was clear. I was out of the fog and the culprit was visible.
The Bully.
That’s what this kind of thinking is to me- it’s a nasty, mean and ill-intentioned creature. It is the worst of my own fears shutting me down and it almost succeeded. These self-depreciating words and thoughts that weasel their way into my mind are the most devious and deceptive ones. No one is literally bullying me, but I am figuratively doing the very same to myself and in the fear I curl up and become paralyzed. Why?
Because I let my Ego take charge and it can only see short-term. The part of me that has kept me safe and secure and carried all the details of my daily living can only see what is right in front it. Like sitting in the dark or the fog, Ego’s vision is limited. It’s job is to keep me safe from harm of all kinds – and it does it really well. The trouble is, it has no perspective. Ego’s response is totally understandable, dependable and appropriate in the right circumstance: this just wasn’t the right one.
Soul on the other hand keeps the long-term objective and potential in sight. While Ego gets scared and wants to run, Soul is able to activate wonder and reveal opportunity. The deep sense of what is right and just lives in this place, if we can hold on long enough to recognize the impulse and let a calm mantle settle over us. Sometimes it takes thinking or saying to myself, “I’m OK, I’m going to be alright”; sometimes we hold another’s hand and sometimes we crumble. In my case – I saw red.
Ironically, red is the root chakra – the most base and primal chakra of our body. From here we glean our greatest physical awareness, security, instinct and grounding. Without defenses or resistance and without much more effort I found my way back to honouring my own values and myself. By letting the darkness of my thoughts flood the moment, I was able to see the bullying messages for what they were and let them slip away. As you might expect, the rest of my project unfolded without incident and without internal nagging.
Notice what happens in your body when you sit in the darkness of a situation. Where does your Ego serve you well and how will you recognize it’s limits?